I think my grieving has finally started.
Can't believe it has taken so long. I seem to have been coping so well, and although I have for the past 6 months accepted Mums death. Its only this week that I have really started to feel what I can only describe as grief. Im not at an all time low, Im not crying, I'm still fully functioning.
What I feel starts at the very back of my throat and carries on down deep beyond the pit of my stomache, like some twisted anxiety contorting my muscles inside to keep my emotions from spilling out or overflowing.
A few nights ago I was tossing and turning and couldnt sleep. Over and over again I was thinking about Mum, in her last few days and last few hours.
How all the lines had been erased from her face, all the lines that had come from worry, and laughter.
I was trying desperatly to remember anything about that awful time that would make it real. When I think back, its like a dream........A haze.......
I dont know why it was important for me to remember but it was.
Leading up to the wedding that was nearly a month ago now, I got upset a few times.
My corset that I wore under my dress had a silver locket attached. I put a picture of my Mum and Dad in there so they would be with me on the day.
On 2nd June 2011, we interred my Mums ashes in our family grave. Just a private small gathering. It was nice, I did a reading at the graveside, struggling again through tears and having to pause to compose myself. We played a song that reminded us of Mum.
The day before the wedding, Myself, my son and Stuart were all sat on the sofa explaining to my son what would happen at the wedding and how important it was. I said "Everybody will be there" He started quizing me as to who was going to be there and I started rattling off names of fammily members. All of a sudden he looked at me and said "Is Granny going to be there?"
After a short pause, I answered "No, No she can't be there sweetheart"
Without even looking at me Stuart knew I was filling up, and wiped my tears that had already started overflowing from my eyes.
I dont really go to my brothers house that much now. I was there one evening a few months ago and it was a dark clear night. As I looked up the garden path and saw the gate open, I had a flashback to the night the undertakers took Mum away. That darkness in the winter at 4am, the streetlight outside, I was trying to guard my sister from looking. And yet, it was something now I wish I hadnt seen. Just a fleeting glimpse of one of the undertakers knees buckling with the dead weight in the black bag.
Today I have been to let the dog out whie he was at work.
I started to polish the front room and photographs. As I did, I started to feel this weird sensation, sadness gripping me.
I think me and my husband have a telepathy thing going on. Exactly at the moment he phoned me to see if I was ok.
Echoes of laughter that used to resonate from this house. My Dad sat in the corner doing his bingo from the Sun newspaper. Mum ironing away, tea bubbling on the stove. Always hustling and bustling of the proverbial nest. A place of retreat and safety. Now stands pretty much empty except from the buzzing of the fish tank.
My brother has kept a note on his pinboard from my mum which says "Dont forget to look at the Gas & Electric" written in big letters. Seeing her writing and knowing she was nearly obsessed with making sure she had enough Gas & Eectric in the meters all year round.
All of a sudden it hit me. All the times in the past, when we feel like children, hurt, running back to our Mums. It cant happen anymore. Nowhere to run back to. We are all on our own now. Who am I going to turn to? Stuart I suppose and for as supportive, understanding and amazing as he is...........He's not my Mum, or my Dad.
But I am very glad that he got to know her for a year before she died, I wish he had known her for a little bit longer but I think thats just me being greedy and wanting the impossible.
While we were there my son went to the toilet but chose the upstairs one. When he called me up to help him I saw Mums bedroom door was shut. I was relieved.
I dont know why, but I didnt want to look in, why is that room bothering me now? I know its been redecorated and it hasnt bothered me before. But today................the door definately stayed closed.
