Its been a good few months since I have written about Mum, but at the minute I'm missing her more than ever.
It started back in August. The day of my husbands birthday, I recieved a phone call to tell me that a friend of mine had died in the early hours of that morning of pancreatic cancer.
I didnt even know she was ill, she had kept it pretty much to herself.
When I spoke to her son, I felt hollow, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
All of a sudden, everything that I remembered about the time with Mum came flooding back. Then I started to think about 'this time last year' and everything that we went through and more significantly what she had wrote in my then boyfriends birthday card. Two words - Be happy.
Needless to say I think that although my husband had a good birthday, I fear it was over shadowed by my grief for my friend and my Mum.
On the run up to my Dads anniversary in September I decided to do my own permanent flower arrangement for the grave, and bought little statues and have made it look really nice. I dont actually go that often as I dont feel like I have to be there to remember her.
Its actually the first year I havn't been on my Dad's anniversary.
As the months are just flying by and Mums anniversary is approaching nearly 4 months away. I have started to think about and in fact I have made a start on self publishing the blog about our journey, in the hope to sell the little book and donate all the money to Macmillan. I think Im going to call it, 'The Journey'.
When I talk to Mum in my head, I know she would think that it would be a flop as she wouldn't see why people would want to read about her, but I know she would be suuportive anyway.
I just want some good to come out of all this. I don't think thats wrong.
I havn't read the blog since I wrote it but now I have started to edit it and re-write some sections I honestly cannot believe how we all coped at that time.
Yesterday, something happened that I hadn't anticipated.........at all.
I dropped my son off at nursery and I know one of the other mothers as I went to primary school with her. I havn't spoken to her in years, but she knew my Mum via her mum, if you get my drift.
We struck up a conversation as we walked back to our cars and all of a sudden she asked me a question........"How's your Mum doing?"
My God, I was stunned, stopped dead in my tracks and just said, "She died".
I dont know who felt worse, between the two of us.
She was so apologetic, but I was ok, talking about it and telling her what had happened, but when I got in my car, I sat there for a few minutes just thinking.
Last night I couldn't sleep.
I still havn't cried that much, just been a bit quieter than usual. Maybe reading and editing the blog ready for printing might do me some good in the long run.
