Aftermath

How do we let a mother go?
How do we say "I'm ready now to go on without you"?
How can we ever have a clue of what that really means?
And of a sudden the moment is upon us, and there's no turning back.
And then we know what grief is,... and guilt and love and things
undone.

Try to prepare and we will fail in some way, be it subtle or looming....But
there is peace too. peace and acceptance and overwhelming love that we maybe
weren't aware of.
waves and waves of conflicting emotion,And laughter too, and memories we
hadn't bothered lately to recall come flooding back in shared company..
and it's all about you mum...

And there's gratitude.. so much of that, that we had you, such a wonderful
mother...
Bright and shining, nobody's fool, independent, but humble too;
Smart, and kind, and fun. Adventurous..
A part of you has passed away, but much is carried everyday within us, and
will as long as we are here.

This may be a final tribute, A day to celebrate your life and say
goodbyes;But it's not final. Every day I'll celebrate in some way, just by the
virtue of how you shaped my life, The absolute and incredible fortune that I
knew you.As a mother, a friend and a woman

These are the words I stood up and read at approximately 11.20am on Wednesday 2nd February 2011 at my Mum's funeral.

"Don't look at anybody, oh God I cant look at anybody, If I look at anyone of them I wont be able to continue' were the thoughts that were going through my head at the moment just before I started and during the times my voice was shaky and I was struggling to fight back the tears.

For those of you who dont know, on 24th January 2011 my mum died of lung cancer.

Some people have asked me 'What happen with the blog now?'

The thing about the lung cancer blog was that is exactly what is was about. The last entry was just that. An end to mums journey of 'battling with Lung cancer'

This blog however, is about my grief. And lack of it too.

It is unfair to talk about the events and last few minutes of mums life, but all you need to know is that she did 'hang on' until all three of her children were at her side before her final breath.

You know there is only one time in the past 3 weeks that I honestly broke down uncontrollably sobbing.

I have been feeling a bit guilty about not being a mess, and seemingly being able to carry on as if nothing has happened.

The one thing I have realised is that there is no right and wrong way to grieve.

Everybody does it differently.

I have a young son and I think he has kept me going a lot over the past few weeks. Trying to maintain some sense of noramility and fun.

I have thought that maybe I accepted the situation before mum died but I dont think its the case. Maybe what I once thought was acceptance was in fact denial.

To me right now.........When I think of mum I think of her sat at home, in her armchair, watching television. If I were to walk down the path and look in through the window I would see the back of her armchair with her hair above the back.

I know however, that is not the case.

I have been so calm and collected about the whole event but I suppose having lots to do with arrangements, sorting through mums belongings I had't had time myself.

What led to my uncontrollable sobbing the other night was something so simple.

I was 'ebaying' some of mums clothes and I came across a hooded top that I remember mum wearing. When I looked at the label there was a silver butterfly embroidered and the words 'Look after me' embroidered underneath.

My boyfriend came and cuddled me and told me I had done enough for that night.

The last 24 hours I have been giving serious thought to writing this blog. I thought my grief might be a personal journey and something I had to deal with myself, but I think that maybe writing about my feelings might help me.