Almost a Year

I can't believe that in a few days time on 24th January it will be one year that Mum died.
I think it has been playing in my mind more than I let on really, and today I feel like I havn't moved on from a year ago. So, so angry. Depressed and really can't be marthered with anybody or anything.

It's been a few months since my last entry but its been a hairy few months to say the least. November saw me having breathing difficulties and ended up in hospital. X-rays shown a whitened area on my right lower lobe of my lung. In exactly the same spot as Mums cancer was.

After lots of blood tests, CT scans, bronchoscopy, the hospital made me an appointment with the lung cancer specialist nurse. The same one that initally saw my Mum in the early stages of diagnosis.
It was a frightening time. To think that I could have the same type of cancer, no cure, death sentance.
All the drugs and inhalers etc were all the same they did with mum too. Even the guy that did the bronchoscopy was the same man.
God was I really going to have to put my family through that? Again?

The appointment with the Macmillan nurse was Christmas week and proved to be a waste of time due to the fact that my test results wern't back yet. So Christmas was lots of fun...............

Not only was it the first Christmas without mum but would this be my last Christmas now too?

I got a bit angry at Mum, maybe it's different when your children are older, like we are. But looking at my 3 year old at Christmas, taking him to see santa and making everything nice and special. How dare she leave us? How selfish of her to give up the fight? Look at everything she is missing!!!

I am pleased to say that on 6th January the hospital confirmed that I do not have lung cancer but they are uncertain as to what IS wrong with my lungs and what is the reason behind my two year cough.

Just after new year, two of our fish died, over two days.
The first fish.....Elvis, died. My son looked in the tank and asked where Elvis was. Being only 3 and a half he wouldnt get the joke if I said 'He has left the building'
I told him he was in heaven.
His reply was 'like granny?'

My how my heart sank.

The next day, our biggest fish Moby died.
Again he asked where he was. I told him again he had died and gone to heaven.
'Like Granny and Elvis?' he asked.
'Yes, like granny' and again my heart could have broke.

Over the next few days I seemed to be taken unawares by questions like
'Where is heaven?'
'What does it look like?'
'Why do you die?'

How on earth do I answer when I havn't got the answers!!!
The first time he asked I kept saying that I don't know to everything.
Then after thinking about it. I told him that it was far up in the sky, way above the clouds, like another planet.
I dont know what it looks like because once you go you cant come back.

I can't remember where we were going in the car one day but he then said then something about granny and then followed it up by 'she used to love me didnt she?'

I guess since my own cancer scare I havnt been into going to church. How on earth can I believe in something that would do this to my son, so young, my husband and of course my family.
Then started questioning myself. What DO I believe in?

I wanted to somehow mark the 1 year anniversary somehow but can only come up with maybe planting a new climbing rose in my garden although maybe its not the best time of year to be planting.

The past week or so I havn't been sleeping too well. On talking to my sister turns out she too and my brother are struggling sleeping too.
I keep trying to think of 'that night', did I kiss her after she had gone? I can't remember.
What did I say to her? I can't remember
Did I touch her when I went to see her in her coffin? I can't bloody remember.
I don't know why it matters so much to me right now, but it does.