Sad

I havn't written anything in a while as I have genuinly felt at peace.
But now we are at 8 weeks since Mum died, I have been feeling so sad.

So up and down, like a bloody yo-yo.

One minute Im so happy with my life, the wedding draws closer, my family unit is stronger than ever. My son is so grown up in his little body, his 3rd birthday approaches.
Then all of a sudden I think 'I wish mum was here. I wish she could see us all so happy'
I still havnt cried properly, just a few leakages here and there, even now typing this, just a little one welled up and escaped.

It has been just over a year since her first bronchoscopy and then that leaves me thinking, 'God, was that realy a year ago?' All the tests and running to the hospital.
It just all seems like a blur. It seemed to go so fast, from the diagnosis, the chemo, the slowing down, where has the time gone?

I see things, like the cafe we used to go to on a Saturday morning, I pass there nearly every day, I havn't been in for a while.

Weekends arn't really the same, after church on a Sunday I used to pick mum up and we used to go to parks or something. I know towards the end all that changed. I think it was November the last time she came to my house.

Stuart says he misses my mum too.

Maybe this is the onset on my grief. God knows I have kept it so much together, so rational, but sometimes I can hear echoes of her voice, imagining what she would say if she were here. Commenting on how clever my son is, how nice Stuart is, how nice the new bedding I have bought is.
I see her face from time to time when I close my eyes, the way she looked in her coffin and at the time of her passing.

Sunday, I kept getting a smelling her breath. Just every now and again.

The one thing I havn't done, I dont think any of us have, is watch the home videos. I think right now I'm scared. I think it might just upset me too much.

My crazy neighbour has just been over asking about how my sister is coping, no-one asks me, because I 'appear' to be ok.

Right now I don't think I am. My son has just gone to get me some tissues cause, 'mummy? you cwying?'